Tag Archive | weight loss

Me And My Potbelly

 

Ferm Big pink Vietnamese pot bellied pig.

Ferm Big pink Vietnamese pot-bellied pig.

Pig Perfect

We’re best friends. Like we have a choice. We go everywhere together. I’m not talking about the actual Vietnamese pot belly pig…the one everyone HAD to have as a pet…until they became pigs on steroids at 250 pounds! Boy, did they get duped. Now we have pig sanctuaries where being obese is acceptable. They will be loved once again. Maybe we should apply that concept to obese humans. We could have housing developments called Sanctuary Manor (or is Waddle Woods better?) with street names like Stout St., Plump Place, Marshmallow Lane, Corpulent Circle, Portly Road, Roly-poly Roundabout and a golf course named Tubby Turf. Obese people could live in peace…just like the pigs.

Declaration Of War

Ok, back to that thing that protrudes from my abdominal region. I’ve declared war on it. Why? Well, for one thing, I can’t suck it in….ever. I can’t hide it. Can’t run away from it. I’m too old to look pregnant. It can’t be de-friended. It’s like having someone you despise in your face…all day…every day. No more slow-dancing check to cheek. It’s pot to pot now. I’m all bound up in my clothes.

Everybody has a six-pack. Unfortunately, for some of us, it is covered up by layers of fat. Exercise alone won’t do it. Even a zillion ab rollers and sit-ups. You have to also lose weight to lose the fat. Period. Oh boy…this is gonna be tough.

The Beloved Enemy

wine-bottles-1180187__180In my case: red wine. Period. Why is that you might ask. It’s happy hour vs. hefty hour. If you’re a moderate drinker (some define as one drink per day….say what?), no worries. In fact, it even gets better with age. Older people who drink one drink per day gain less weight than those who never drank. But this is what happens if you’re not moderate. Alcohol temporarily keeps your body from burning fat because your body can’t store calories from empty-791573__180alcohol for later (like it does with food calories). Drinking pauses your metabolism, shoves food calories over and says break down the alcohol calories first. Therefore, what you recently ate gets stored as fat. In pot belly terms: alcohol decreases fat burn in the belly. Maybe I should just go live with the fat and friendly people at Waddle Woods. No, I will go to battle.

 Rules On The Battlefield:

  • Rule # 1: always eat when you drink. Why? Cocktails = simple carbs. Blood sugar soars. Then you crash. And then you are ravenous. Nibble on foods with long-lasting energy like protein, fiber, and healthy fat. This stabilizes your blood sugar without slowing metabolism.
  • Rule #2: Drink simple drinks. Some drinks make you hungrier. The simpler, the better. Like vodka and club soda. No calories with the club soda.
  • Rule #3: Stick to one or two drinks. This challenge will be like climbing out of the Grand Canyon. Wish me luck and divine intervention.
  • Rule # 4: Beware of gnawing, starving feeling the next day.Dehydration makes you hungry. Water before food!

If you still have that rumble in your belly, greasy food will help settle it. What’s the greasiest item on your menu? Also helpful is to drink one glass of water with each drink. I keep trying this but the next day I find the water carafe full with drowned bugs. They drank more water than I did.

Beat The Belly Fat

Other beat the belly fat helpful hints from Hell-oise: no sugar or fructose. Eat more protein like meat, yogurt, milk, cheese, beans and eggs. Nuts, seeds, avacadoes, olive oil and fatty fish should also be on your plate. Never eat bananas! Don’t know what’s up with that. They are the ugly ducklings. I wonder if fake banana flavor is ok…like banana gelato, banana cookies, banana daiquiris…bananaramabojama…wasn’t that a song? But other fruits are the beauty queens. Eat them. Cut the carbs. Ouch. That will hurt like hemorrhoids. No pasta, no potatoes, no rice…maybe I will just surrender. Give up the battle. Don’t listen to me if you are going to war.

Survival Of The Fittest

 women warming up arching stretching their backs holding legs and

 

The Dangling Conversation

Hubby and I plan to be at the gym Tuesdays and Thursdays by seven a.m..for a 50-minute workout. Two days a week is the acceptable minimum. In our dreams, we go three times. That is the plan. So why do we have these 5:30 a.m. conversations:

“Are we going to the gym today?”
“If you want to. I’m good either way.”
“I can still feel it from the last time.”
“Does this mean you don’t want to go?”
“I probably could.”
“Is that a yes or a no?”
“I’ll go if you want to go.”
“What is your final answer?”
“It’s your call.”

Torture By Exercise

Never, ever thought I would enter the world of gyms. But, hey, those machines are the most efficient way to get a full body workout. And if that’s not enough exertion, try these:

  • weight lifting
  • floor mat exercises
  • cycle spinning
  • A greasy breakfast of fried bacon and an egg frying in a fryingzumba
  • mat Pilates
  • step plus abs
  • step sculpture
  • aqua fit
  • yoga classes

Are you tired yet? All these choices could render you totally ineffective by decisive defeat.

To save face, just go out for a greasy, gooey breakfast instead. You’ll feel a lot better. Or will you? Mmmmm…

We are all animals of the forest. The weak die out; the strong will survive. I’m a survivor. So it’s off to the gym I go, heigh ho, heigh ho.

Creatures of the Gym

Not only are there strange-looking machines and devices there but stranger looking people. Like the big and buffy anabolic steroid guys with pin heads and no necks. Hubby calls them pimple heads. And when they shave their heads bald, the heads look even smaller. Do they think this is attractive to the opposite sex? When I see a purposely bald head, I think bowling ball…the ears are where you put your fingers.

Caricature bodybuilderAnd then there are the “roids” who wear hoodies with that far away; I wanna kill look in their eyes. Wet-pants scary.

I’ve seen hoodies with no sleeves or sides. What’s with that?

And the false eyelashes at the gym? Fake nails. Fake boobs. Hubby calls them rubber boobies. You can always spot them. They always point straight ahead no matter what. Is this the new gym rat look? Don’t get me wrong. Breast augmentation is fine. But the waaaay overdone Barbie on steroids look is not. It’s vulgar.

Are the cleavage chicks there for sexercise or exercise??? I always see them checking themselves out in the mirror…they’re not looking for muscles. But for sex appeal.

Fashion Blonde Girl Portrait With Big BreastsFashionistas

Bad enough being a fashionista with those ass-baring (I prefer ass-bare-ing) shortie shorts and matchy-match outfits (even the ear buds are color-coordinated) but do ya have to let it all hang out too?

Am I just jealous? Here I am in my chopped off white shirt and raggedy loooooong shorts. The veins on my legs look like the blue highways on a road map. I’m old; they’re not.

These bombshells must be here to secure a hookup ( called a date if there’s no sex). I’m here to prevent strokes and heart attacks. To survive.

Yakety-Yaks

Now on to the Yakety-Yaks. Yes, this is the word for a large shaggy-haired ox of Tibetan highlands (they have been spotted at the gym too) but doesn’t it sound better than yackers? These verbal heads will tie up machines forever with their incessant chatter. About nothing.

One fellow will corner you for a half hour with his diatribe. You stop exercising to give him your full attention because that’s the polite thing to do. He also expects it. But then you hate his guts. The only way to avoid these types is to wear ear plugs (even if you don’t have your device turned on). And avoid eye contact. Do nothing to invite.

Darwin

The physical configurations I see people in have me baffled. Now why WOULD you do THAT? Because you can? You’re confused about the Charles Darwin theory that the best adapted to their environment will survive while others become extinct? Is this alteration of form
brought about by natural selection?

Hoarders

Hoarders also go to the gym. They carefully guard machines for future use while they are exercising somewhere else. They clutter up one machine or more with a towel, water bottle, jacket or their gym buddy. Grrrrr….this grinds my beans.

Do What?

Newly arrived workout tools include giant rubber bands and giant ropes. With the latter, they crack em like a whip and yell out yah. Just like a cowboy. All I can imagine with the rubber bands is that you get one and shoot yourself across the gym. Hope ya don’t misfire.

At our age, thoughts about survival are almost an obsession. I think we will head to the gym more without conversation. Survival of the fittest. Or so they say.

Was this an exercise of free speech?

Many Caucasian People And Hands Holding Red Letters Or Characters Building The Isolated English Word Free Speech On White Background