Archive | March 2017

I Gave Myself A Good Talking To

“There’s something in me that I can’t be too good for too long. Whether it’s drinking or eating or flossing my teeth or keeping my public politics neutral (Alternative Truth?). What is it? A parasite? A viral infection? Not enough karma credits built up?”

“None of that. You CAN be good. Your goal is to drop twenty pounds, right?”

“Yes, but it’s turning into a fat fantasy. Did you know that diet stands for: did I eat that????????? I’ve just rediscovered bread. The cure for all ills. Not chocolate. Bread. Bread is my soulmate.”

“But with 1,243 calories per day, you could lose two pounds per week, twenty pounds in two and one-half months.”

“That’s only one whopper for the whole day! I can’t live like that!  Starvation, deprivation. Damnation. Put me on probation.”

“Ok, how about this? Be good 80% of the time (Monday through Saturday noon) and you get to be bad for the rest of the weekend. But ya gotta cut the carbs. You can eat sweet potatoes. And Japanese purple potatoes.”

Snack Canyon

“Well, there goes Happy hour Fat Fridays. And Saturated Saturdays. But at least I’ll still have Sin Sundays. What are those Japanese purple things? Why are they good but a good ole Idaho russet isn’t? You are talking to someone who has a yuuuuuuuge kitchen cabinet above her oven named Snack Canyon. Care must be taken when entering the canyon as you might have a “rock” slide upon you: popcorn, cookies, crackers, jelly beans, nuts, crap candy leftovers from Christmas gifts or Halloween rejects. This barrage of fat fun can be especially dangerous as the only way to really explore the canyon is to perch on a high bar stool. Like being on a cliff. Danger, danger! Then there are snaccidents: eating an entire box of cookies or bag of chips by mistake.

I suppose you want exercise too?”

“Yep. Three hours minimum per week. Do you want to be sore or sorry tomorrow? That’s the question.”

“Does raising a wine glass to my face count as a curl…you know…for upper body strength? I like exercise that is halfway between a lunge and a crunch. Lunch. Some days I care about my weight. Don’t want a butt the size of a double-wide. I’m ready for a fat intervention. Other days, I have no intention. I know someone who quit exercising when she went on a diet. Said it made her too hungry. My television makes me hungry. Should I kill my tv before it kills me? What do you think of that, you gym rat?”

“What a diet diatribe this is. It’s sucking my energy which is already depleted by having to pay attention to so many silly health food suggestions. I have indigestion. And when I get over that, I’m going to eat my entire kitchen. I know, I know…I am what I eat. Therefore, I’m going to eat a skinny person.

Let’s not lose our lives in pursuit of thinner thighs.”

I wonder if I listened…

 

 

The Fairy Godmother Of Us All: Saint Susie

Saint Susie. For as long as I’ve known her (44 years), she has run a field hospital for the wounded in life: the poor, hungry, needy, homeless, unemployed, unemployable, lonely, those that suffer from just plain bad luck. And those that are wild, reckless or dangerous because of loss of hope. Her flock is all-embracing. She is color blind when it comes to race or religion. There is standing room only for those that admire her. If she knew this, she wouldn’t care. Her divine talent in life is not to impress others but rather to take care of them. The saint of the down and out. And the successful up and in who may require little but something. Whatever level their needs are, the helper protector is there. A place to live. Some groceries. Encouragement. Money. Emotional support. Guidance. Love. Transportation. Income. A meal. A respite. Respect. There are no boundaries. The required two miracles for sainthood don’t apply here. She IS the miracle. She has living love for everyone she encounters. This kind and gentle soul expects nothing in return. Ever. She knows the language of compassion. Tender with the young, compassionate with the elderly and tolerant of the weak. Everyone is her brother or her sister. Do you think I’ve said enough? Well, I’m not done.

Our difficulties form our character. She is our mentor. We are her protege. This fairy godmother leaves a deep footprint with her contagious spirit of love. This woman works her mysteriously enchanting magic quietly and with humility (not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less often). Like most fairy godmothers, this one has magical powers that bring good fortune to the heroes and heroines in the fairy tale of life. That includes all of us. No matter what. Her uncanny knack to know when you need her is like pixie dust. Her spell makes us invincible to self-loathing. And helps us find what is really important, not always what we want, but what we need in the labyrinth of life. A rainbow in disguise. Captivating. Inspiring. The archetype of kindness.

You won’t see her on the society pages for charity work. She’s the boots on the ground. No glory. No attention. Just good work day in and day out. Her plate is extremely full without all of this goodwill. But she will drop everything to go slay dragons for you.

Why do I share this with you? Heroines (and heroes) remind us of what’s right and what’s wrong. And show us the qualities we need to be united instead of divided. They inspire us and give us hope. Heroines turn other people into heroines.

This is not a fantasy. She does exist. A living saint. A fairy godmother. The heroine of my life’s fairytale. Go find yours.

 

Grape Expectations

When you hear the word grape, what comes to mind?

He has the personality of a grape.

What’s eating Gilbert Grape?

Grapes of Wrath

Planet of the Grapes

Heard it through the grapevine

Sour grapes

Have a grape day!

Make America grape again.

A wine hangover is called the grape depression.

The Grape Gadsby

The Dementia Diet

Ok….I know you’re grapeful for these grape puns but enough is enough. Let’s get serious here. The latest health claim, some call it the Dementia Diet, is that eating two handfuls of grapes a day will put the cork on dementia and Alzheimer’s along with boosting memory and attention. Wow. Some of us need some of this. Some of you are still puppies: too young to be concerned. But don’t X out here. I’ll get to you down the page.

As you know, there is waaaaay too much information out there in the vast sea of Google University. Fake facts? Who knows. That is to be deciphered. Rather than bore you with a tsunami of information from the medical volcanic internet eruption, I will make waves (or maybe ripples) on this page with tidbits and you decide what floats your boat.

Fisetin (I swear they drank lots of grapes to come up with this name), is the plant compound to improve your brain game. It worked on a very small test batch of mice who were genetically programmed to develop Alzheimer’s but after nine months, there was no cognitive decline. Should humans get complicit in fisetin? I’m game. Another healthy excuse to drink wine. I must live up to the name of my blog. No matter that human trials have not been done.

Love The Wine You’re With

Grapes contain powerful antioxidants known as polyphenols, which may slow or prevent many types of cancer, including esophageal, lung, mouth, pharynx, endometrial, pancreatic, prostate and colon. Indigestion, fatigue, kidney disorders, macular degeneration, cataracts, artery plaque buildup are also treated or relieved by grapes. The resveratrol found in red wine famous for heart health is a type of polyphenol found in the skins of red grapes. I’ve been taking this supplement for two years after 60 Minutes declared it the breakthrough of the century. Think about the French. They eat tons of butter and drink lots of wine. But they’re healthier than us. Yes, they do practice mindful eating, artesian foods, rest and digest, no foods that are on tv commercials, no fake foods, and no guilt. We can learn from them. I’m starting with the wine.

Gross With Grapes

Grapes are classified as a laxative food because they contain organic acid, sugar, and cellulose. They also relieve chronic constipation by toning up intestinal muscles and the stomach. Grapes are high in insoluble fiber, meaning that it remains intact as it moves through the digestive tract.

Grape Size History

This fruit was first cultivated as early as 5,000 BC. Many biblical stories refer to them as the “fruit of the vine”. Grapes grow in clusters of 6 to 300 on vines. European travelers spread them all over the world. In the 17th century, they arrived in the U.S., migrated to the central valley of California and thrived with the climate and absence of grape-preying insects. Most of the grapes we eat in the U.S. are produced by California.

The Road To Grape Benefits Without The Alcohol

A hangover is the wrath of grapes. To avoid that, try this:

  • Serve stewed grapes with meat items
  • Add grapes to rice dishes for some sweetness
  • Add to fruit salad or green salad
  • Place sliced grapes on a sandwich
  • Serve grapes with cheese and crackers
  • Drink grape juice
  • Just eat them

Don’t Choke On The Joke

Q: “What’s purple and huge and swims in the ocean?” A: “Moby Grape.”

Thank you if you read this. I’m very grapeful!