Me And My Potbelly

 

Ferm Big pink Vietnamese pot bellied pig.

Ferm Big pink Vietnamese pot-bellied pig.

Pig Perfect

We’re best friends. Like we have a choice. We go everywhere together. I’m not talking about the actual Vietnamese pot belly pig…the one everyone HAD to have as a pet…until they became pigs on steroids at 250 pounds! Boy, did they get duped. Now we have pig sanctuaries where being obese is acceptable. They will be loved once again. Maybe we should apply that concept to obese humans. We could have housing developments called Sanctuary Manor (or is Waddle Woods better?) with street names like Stout St., Plump Place, Marshmallow Lane, Corpulent Circle, Portly Road, Roly-poly Roundabout and a golf course named Tubby Turf. Obese people could live in peace…just like the pigs.

Declaration Of War

Ok, back to that thing that protrudes from my abdominal region. I’ve declared war on it. Why? Well, for one thing, I can’t suck it in….ever. I can’t hide it. Can’t run away from it. I’m too old to look pregnant. It can’t be de-friended. It’s like having someone you despise in your face…all day…every day. No more slow-dancing check to cheek. It’s pot to pot now. I’m all bound up in my clothes.

Everybody has a six-pack. Unfortunately, for some of us, it is covered up by layers of fat. Exercise alone won’t do it. Even a zillion ab rollers and sit-ups. You have to also lose weight to lose the fat. Period. Oh boy…this is gonna be tough.

The Beloved Enemy

wine-bottles-1180187__180In my case: red wine. Period. Why is that you might ask. It’s happy hour vs. hefty hour. If you’re a moderate drinker (some define as one drink per day….say what?), no worries. In fact, it even gets better with age. Older people who drink one drink per day gain less weight than those who never drank. But this is what happens if you’re not moderate. Alcohol temporarily keeps your body from burning fat because your body can’t store calories from empty-791573__180alcohol for later (like it does with food calories). Drinking pauses your metabolism, shoves food calories over and says break down the alcohol calories first. Therefore, what you recently ate gets stored as fat. In pot belly terms: alcohol decreases fat burn in the belly. Maybe I should just go live with the fat and friendly people at Waddle Woods. No, I will go to battle.

 Rules On The Battlefield:

  • Rule # 1: always eat when you drink. Why? Cocktails = simple carbs. Blood sugar soars. Then you crash. And then you are ravenous. Nibble on foods with long-lasting energy like protein, fiber, and healthy fat. This stabilizes your blood sugar without slowing metabolism.
  • Rule #2: Drink simple drinks. Some drinks make you hungrier. The simpler, the better. Like vodka and club soda. No calories with the club soda.
  • Rule #3: Stick to one or two drinks. This challenge will be like climbing out of the Grand Canyon. Wish me luck and divine intervention.
  • Rule # 4: Beware of gnawing, starving feeling the next day.Dehydration makes you hungry. Water before food!

If you still have that rumble in your belly, greasy food will help settle it. What’s the greasiest item on your menu? Also helpful is to drink one glass of water with each drink. I keep trying this but the next day I find the water carafe full with drowned bugs. They drank more water than I did.

Beat The Belly Fat

Other beat the belly fat helpful hints from Hell-oise: no sugar or fructose. Eat more protein like meat, yogurt, milk, cheese, beans and eggs. Nuts, seeds, avacadoes, olive oil and fatty fish should also be on your plate. Never eat bananas! Don’t know what’s up with that. They are the ugly ducklings. I wonder if fake banana flavor is ok…like banana gelato, banana cookies, banana daiquiris…bananaramabojama…wasn’t that a song? But other fruits are the beauty queens. Eat them. Cut the carbs. Ouch. That will hurt like hemorrhoids. No pasta, no potatoes, no rice…maybe I will just surrender. Give up the battle. Don’t listen to me if you are going to war.

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