Christmas Slayings

This blog is not about murders. It’s about slayings of the Christmas sayings. The holidays are not the happiest time of the year for some people. For various reasons. Family drama. Getting homesick even though you’re home. Family dysfunction. Boredom. This year’s election results. Ugly Christmas sweaters (they are a cry for help you know). Christmas crap: the kind you eat and receive. Like the Big Mouth Billy singing bass. Or fruitcake. Or the re-gifted purse that’s missing the strap. Holiday hangovers.

And how about disasters that made you say, What the elf? We’ve all had them. I remember one. My brother and his brother-n-law, David, had been hanging out at the river all day, getting ho-ho hammered. They had their merry on. As they drove a camper into my mother’s condo place (two hours late)with covered parking, we went out to greet them. Only to be greeted by the scene of them shearing off the entire side of the camper on the parking roof. Like the lid on a can of sardines rolled back with the key. Nobody said a word. We were all dumbstruck. The boys just drove off with this dangling metal banging on the truck. For some, drinking is a way to survive the holidays. For them, it deprived them of the holidays. The tree is not the only thing that gets lit. My mother was angry with tears, my brother was pissed off at David (who was driving), my brother’s wife was humiliated and angry, I was angry because they made my mom cry. Everyone was angry and we hadn’t even sat down to dinner yet. Never did.

Then there’s the time that fifteen of us gathered around the table for Christmas dinner. It was a cool, old farmhouse in Colorado. The kind with no hallways so you could just run around your house in circles until you were dizzy. Up to that point, everything was perfect. All the food was timed to perfection and placed on the Martha Stewart embellished table. Merriment was everywhere as we started passing dishes around. And then it happened. A rushing, violent stream of water splashed down from above, spraying everybody and everything. My mother was mortified. We’d remember this yuletide. The bathroom, directly above us, had sprung a leak. The toilet, in its inanimate state, was the killjoy. Game over.

So….I’ve told you two of my stories. Let’s hear yours.

But despite our holiday disaster stories, which we CAN laugh about now (right?), I hope these “slayings”, memes and whatever, will make you laugh a little. Bring you some joy.

Slayings of the Sayings:

Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle.

Oh come let us abhor him (your drunk uncle).

Can’t stop drinking about you.

All is calm. All is bright. No fights tonight.

Christmas cheer brings ten pounds to your rear.

All I want for Christmas is an isthmus.

Bury Christmas.

Tis the season to be Holly.

Christmas in the heart makes you fart.

To spread Christmas cheer, don’t  sing loud for all to hear.

Let it show.

Wishing you peas and sappiness.

Mistletoe in your back pocket: kiss my ass.

Tinkle all the way!

A virgin birth is believable but finding three wise men?

Doorbusters: eleven shoppers shoving.

And now, comments are open. I know you can add to these “slayings”. Please do.

 

 

 

 

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